lose the wait


do you remember all of the a-ha moments you’ve had this past year? remember how we all talked about our “new normals,” and we wondered how and if we would ever go back to our routines pre-pandemic? so much of what we called “normal” has been turned inside out, and we’ve peeled back the layers to so much harm.

we were brought together to feel the same global pains, to witness the fracas of the systems around us. illusions of health and peace and justice and prosperity dissolved before our eyes.

and what did we learn?

i can’t remember the bread recipes. or what times the train runs near my house. i don’t remember the scientific names of my plants. most days, i don’t even remember what day it is.

but i remember wondering about tomorrow. i remember my mother wiping down doorknobs and handles, and wondering: is this enough?

the wonder is what amazes me. when everything feels uncertain. unprecedented. wonder seems like a luxury. but it’s an active stretch across time. wonder is what comes before the imagination ignites.

when my father was dying, i wondered about his sisters. his mother. his grandmother. how did they survive? i wondered about the wisdom we lost, or what’s been buried in ritual or code or pride.

i remember asking my mother: what happens when a family unites? do we wait until death brings us together? or is there something else we might try?

we gathered the memories we thought we’d forgot. we alchemized our fears into hope. transformed our prayers into action. turned our doubts into trust.

my father’s first outdoor walk after recovering from covid-19. april 2020

my father’s first steps were miracles. i’m not sure what combination of luck, eucalyptus, ginger teas, prayer, bone broths, family, and friends did it…but my father is still with us in this iteration of life. he’s working and healthy and looking forward to his next chapter.

what did we learn in this year? there’s a lot i could write. but for me, the unlearning is guiding me.

how many times have you heard: “we are in unprecedented times”? is it a phrase that you’ve allowed to roll off your tongue? i know i have. and at some point, i started to wonder….what even is time?

we’re all out here waiting. and i’m not sure for what. we’re waiting to graduate. or to feel better. or to have children. or to break up. we’re waiting for the next time we can travel. we’re waiting for the value of stocks to rise. or to drop. we’re waiting to lose weight. we’re waiting for love. my dad’s currently waiting to retire. he’s counting down days.

what even is waiting when we don’t understand time? we’ve found a way to quantify and commodify the entirety of our lives. every minute is scheduled and we let the seconds slip by. because we’re waiting. for the weekend. for a phone call. or the next meeting. or for that package to arrive.

i was raised Catholic. i’m not a practicing Catholic. i haven’t been to church in ages, and can’t quote bible verses. but i do believe in something. i’m just not 100% sure what. i do think there is some truth to all religions. but these truths have been buried in doctrine and i think its up to us to sift through the muck.

according to my memories of Sunday catechism — the creation story is based in this idea that God created man in his image. i’m still sorting through what that means exactly. but the word that sticks out to me in this particular moment of time is created. if we were created in the image of something — God, or the universe, the stars — then weren’t we created to create? isn’t this a law of physics: a being creating stays creating?

so what does this tangent have to do with time? i’m still sorting it out. but what i know is that time is not what we imagine it to be. what if time in fact behaves like light, existing in duality as both particle and wave? what if time doesn’t exist outside of us? what if it passes through us like a wave and we are simultaneously a particle of time?

you are an embodiment of time.

can you imagine being that expansive?

you are the past, the present, and the future. the alpha and omega, and everything in between.

you exist in this duality: you are a creator and an embodiment of time.

when you see yourself for what you really are….does it make sense to wait?

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